Before I could shake myself off the thoughts, Okon was already done with the file transfer and he carefully placed my aunt’s laptop at the spot he took it. I guess he did that to avoid suspicion. He asked for my room, and rushed in to my room after I pointed the room to him.
Only if I knew what I’d be getting into that day, I’d have not gone to meet him.
Still trying to get over the thoughts of the pornographic video found on my aunt’s laptop, I sat down trying to fathom things out. But how do you fathom out things like that? To think that the very first time I’d actually see a thing like that would be on my aunt’s laptop was out of it.
My inaccessibility to a phone that has access to the internet protected me from the dangers I never knew filled the internet. Only if it stayed that way, it could have been better.
I got myself together, tried to carry myself to my room. My mind was heavy, it was as though a very thick dark cloud occupied my fragile mind. I walked into my room to get another dangerous revelation that changed the course of my life.
As I entered the room, the sight I beheld was nothing good. I was shocked, and at the same time surprised. My mouth was wide open, there was Okon looking at me. What he was doing was totally strange to me, but I sensed it was not good.
There was no way I could have known. My parents never talked about it to me, neither did the Sunday school teachers at teenage church teach us anything about it. It was pornography I knew something about. Perhaps if my fellow teenagers in the church wouldn’t abhor me because I was the preacher’s kid, I’d have known about it earlier.
“Michael, you should try this. This is how I relieve myself when I get in the mood.” He said as he continued without any sense of shame of being half dressed right in front of me.
I was dumbfounded. Words could not find expression within me. I was practically lost, I gave it a thought to leave the room. You know? Probably a walk would do. Okon held my hands as I made the move to go out and would not let me go.
“Guy, I have an idea.”
Before I could ask what the idea was, Okon was already unhooking my belt.
“Okon! wait, wait, what’s this about? Can you just stop it. I said….”
Before I knew what was happening, Okon was all over me. My guard weakened. He never felt bad about it at all, but my conscience would not let be. It kept hitting me, and nagging me
Conscience hit me, “Is what’s happening here good?” I really did not know what the answer was. Was God so important for me to care if I was upholding His standards?
The memories of what happened that night and the huge impact it had on me keeps me wondering how what one says yes to, matters in our experiences and destination in life.
“You feel good? Well I don’t need the answer. I know you do. You know what? Let’s have it in turn, now replicate what I did.”
By the time we were done, I felt as if all my energy has been sapped off me. Probably, because I was really drained. I felt this emptiness I can’t explain. Hugely, pangs of guilt hit me with no mercy, I felt so guilty.
“What we did, is it right?” I asked Okon sullenly, with the hope of getting an answer that would help my conscience.
“You want me to justify your guilt? Look, everyone does this thing, but does not own up to it. For example, my father is almost an addict as I am. I don’t blame him, my mother is not always around.” He replied as he packed his laptop and game console.
“An addict?” I said expecting an answer from him but he shunned it. I never knew the possibility of being an addict.
“See you on monday morning.” He said as he left my room.
“Everyone is doing it?” I thought again.
My mind remained clouded with guilt. I couldn’t bring it to rest. I laid my head on my bed pillow. As I was trying to clear my head, the noise of guilt kept getting louder. I wanted to talk someone but who? My parents who were not around? Even if they were, could I have told them? My aunt that was the genesis of this whole thing? Maggie- My girlfriend? That was the short name I had for Margaret . At some point, it seemed cool to tell Maggie but thinking it through, I decided not to.
“Porn videos as my Sunday school teacher taught is not a good thing before God. Definitely what we did which was as a result of watching the video will definitely not be a good thing before God too.” I tried to reason in my head.
I was on my bed for hours with my mind troubled and heavy. As much as I didn’t know the gravity of what happened, my mind was aware and wanted me to be too.
“Michael, hope you’re good? You’ve not been out ever since your friend left. Hope you’re alright?” Aunt Gloria said from the other side of my door.
“Yes, I’m fine. I was just sleeping, I still feel the need to sleep though.” I called out.
I couldn’t face Aunt Gloria, not that day. Locked up myself in the room and when she came back knocking after few hours, I did not answer.