“You’re confusing me, sir.”
“Follow me!” Mr. James said.
I followed him sheepishly to the staff room, praying with all my heart that it shouldn’t be what I was thinking.
“Or is he going to inform all other teachers? Oh God!”
“Sit down, Michael.”
“Thank you, sir”
Looking at Mr. James in the eyes was not an option, sitting in front of him was making me feel like a time bomb of fear was going to explode within me.
“Michael, you’re going through somethings. I know it and you know that I know. Would you just make it easy and tell me?” Mr. James looked at me, I saw innocence in his eyes and in him someone I can trust but fears kept holding back.
“Are you a Christian? I mean are you saved?”
“I’m a Christian. My parents are pastors. I don’t know… But I believe in Jesus Christ sha.”
“Your parents being pastors doesn’t mean you’re saved.” He paused and continued, “I’m glad you do believe.”
“But I don’t really know if I’m born again or something. I don’t know.” I said with my voice all fears and my head down.
“I’m not sure God can forgive me, sir. I just don’t know.” Tears trickled down my cheeks. He offered me his handkerchief. I was sure Mr. James had little or no idea of what made me feel unforgivable.
“God forgives all. No matter what. His Son, Jesus Christ died for your sin. He can pull you out from whatever it is that you’re going through…”
“Mr. James, your wife is downstairs.” Another teacher disrupted our discussion.
I noticed that Mr. James’ countenance changed immediately, he was uneasy. He told me he’d see me later. I felt down not being able to tell him. The need to pour the pain out of the chambers of my heart held me strongly.
Mr. James was no where to be found in school through out the day. I gave up on my quest to find him. Immediately the school closed for the day, I wasted no time in leaving for home. I did this with the aim of trying to open up to my mother or father. Anyone of them that was home would do.
“At least, with the way things are with them now, they should not take this too hard. Even if they do, they won’t kill me.” I was just tired and it seemed like I can’t bottle it up any longer.
All the way home, everything going on in my mind was the way I would table it to my parents. It didn’t help, the more I thought, the more I feared.
“Welcome, Michael. Na four-thirty be this. Una close sharp sharp for school today o” Baba asked as he closed the pedestrian gate.
“The school closed just at the time it closes but I decided to come home immediately after the school closed.”
“Ehn ehn, that one sef good. Go rest.”
The sitting room did not look or feel anything like anyone was home.
“Mummy! Daddy! Are you home?” There was no response at all. I dropped my backpack on the sofa to go check my parents’ room to see if anyone was home.
“They may be fast asleep.” I thought as I was approached the room. As I moved closer to room, I heard voices which made me insinuate that they were both home. On getting close enough to the room, the voices I was hearing seemed like they were making love. So I decided to leave, but as the female voiced belted high, I felt it wasn’t my mother’s voice. The voice was familiar, this tempted to peep to see who it was.
I never knew what really made me come to that decision of peeping through the keyhole. The sight I beheld blew me off.
“Aunt Gloria! With my Dad?” I covered my mouth with my palm, nearly screamed out. I never saw it coming.
I tiptoed away from the entrance of the room. “This is not a dream, it is reality!” I pinched myself and screamed in my head.
It didn’t make sense to me at all. My father didn’t look like an unfaithful husband. My mother was always trying to be a good wife, the best way she could. My father would climb the pulpit on Sundays and preach down fire. This was the same man I just caught in the act with the woman who took my virginity – his wife’s sister. The woman who opened the portal of sexual desires within me.
Gently, I lay myself down on the bed, trying to bring myself to the reality unfolding right before me. I took a deep breath, and brought out my phone from my pocket to check the message that came in.
“Hey babe! Why didn’t you even say goodbye before leaving school? Hope you registered on 2go already? I’m online right now, let’s chat. I love you.”
I dropped my phone beside me on the bed, it was not the right time for a chat. Thinking it through, I decided to help myself not to think about all that happened by having a chat with Margaret. I registered on 2go, but I was in oblivion of how to navigate the application.
“Okay, so this is what this guys meant when they said I’ll be starting as a novice on 2go.” I smiled slightly as I checked my newly created 2go profile.
Immediately I sent Margaret a friend request, she accepted. It was as though she was waiting earnestly for the friend request.
“what took you so long?”
“I’m not used to this yet, you know.”
“I know. With time, you will. This will help us spend more time together. I don’t know what’s with you these days. You are barely interested in spending time with me anymore.”
“It’s not that, I’m just trying to focus on the preparations for exams. You know about my tests results, right.”
The way Margaret was driving the chat was getting me slightly annoyed. I closed the 2go application and decided to surf online. Immediately the browser application started running, it was the website Okon visited that was right on the opening page.
This time, I wanted it so badly. The lust in me rose up and I let my guard down, if there was any. I fell freely like a log of wood into the act and when guilt tried to hit me. I justified myself.
“My father is nothing different from me too. I don’t think I care anymore.”
I sighed as I lay on the bed, I was already getting accustomed to the feeling of being drained that came each time I got into the act.
I thought of Mr. James, an idea hit me to get to him through call. Margaret had told me before that time that she had his phone number. After thinking it through, I gave up on the idea with the excuse that it would change nothing.